Lawn Care

by Handsome Matt


After you reach a certain age, mowing the lawn isn’t fun anymore. In fact it becomes a chore; a hassle; an annoyance. But everyone keeps doing it, and lord forbid if someone lets their lawn die.

Lawns are a symbol of wealth and excess. Lords and Ladies had so much money they could waste it on a a frivolous use of land. Instead of growing something useful or leaving it wild, grass was planted and trimmed neatly.  Especially those cheese eating, surrender monkeys: the French nobility.

Last time I checked, I wasn’t a surrender monkey or French nobility. I do like cheese, but I have not been beheaded by a guillotine.

Lawns are boring, wasteful, and an albatross around the neck ( a little Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner reference there). So why do we continue to grow them?

It’s time to be patriotic. It’s time to destroy your lawn.

Allow me to present two options to show your neighbors your newly rediscovered independence: Gardens and xeriscaping.

While gardens can be as intensive as lawns, at the least they offer some aesthetics to a home. Furthermore by attracting beneficial insects, harmful ones like flies, ticks and mosquitos can be chased off.

I mean look at that! What’s more manly than building a fountain out of rocks with your own hands? And then putting a lions head onto it?

Secondly, some fruits and vegetables could be grown: meaning fresh, organic AND local is  accomplished in a simple snip of the shears.

Lastly: a few hours in a garden is infinitely more rewarding and visible to the “Jones” than mowing a lawn ever will be. Make the neighborhood keep up with you.

If you’re as lazy as me, then I must suggest xeriscaping. That’s the simple term for planting native, slow growing, low maintenance plants. Meaning this: A Saturdays worth of work once, frees up all the Saturdays forever. Think about that! This is the lawn equivalent of Jessica Biel as compared to Paris Hilton

Of course, your excuse for drinking an ice cold beer on a hot Saturday afternoon would now be gone. But I think a new one can be found.

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